So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
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the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374