I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Brilliant!
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.