*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.