I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
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Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
“What movie?” 🤔
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.