Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
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I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.