Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd