Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
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Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.