If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
You Might Also Like
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
🙁
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.