Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
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Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Oh my god
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!