Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
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[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.