You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
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Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
War & Peace
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Meow?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat