God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
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If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Hank is one in a melon.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.