ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
You Might Also Like
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
live long and prosper!
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.