the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
You Might Also Like
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Snapes on a plane.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.