Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..