Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
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My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Yup.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
asked my bf how work was today
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty