Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
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ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*