I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
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HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
not for long
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…