I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The options really are this bad
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.