Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
You Might Also Like
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.