Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Britain be like
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!