#ProTip
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Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
me opening up to someone
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)