Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
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I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.