Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
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Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown