You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
You Might Also Like
Sponch
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Me My dog
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?