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Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Sing it!
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.