With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
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Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
kevin is now a local weatherman
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’