I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
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News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
sensitive skin
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.