[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
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Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I’m calling the cops.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense