Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.