when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
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“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
subtitles are so good nowadays
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
we’re gonna need another temp
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.