Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
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i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”