The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
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Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
need him
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone