[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
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*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Best spot.. 😅
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get