Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
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If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
✌🏽
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.