Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Flowers bee like
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs