You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I’m just playing devils avocado here
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)