HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
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date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”