Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
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i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.