When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing