God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
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The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard