“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
This was the best day of my life
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.