Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?