If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
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At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
nyc:
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
White parent Vs Arab parents
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father