I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
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Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Wednesday
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Scream sneezers need love too.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him