My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
You Might Also Like
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.