I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
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*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.