You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
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When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.