Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
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My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me too
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.