Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them